1 Year of Just Being a Girl - Balancing Solo Living with Falling (Growing) in Love

I've always loved being around good people. Growing up with seven sisters meant my room was never empty. We'd talk, watch movies, laugh, get dressed together, and even sit in comfortable silence. That environment shaped me into the girls' girl I am today. My college roommates were amazing, but even then, I only had half the space to myself.

I've always been a lover girl. I never obsessed over marriage, but I’ve always had an abundance of love to share—sometimes even with those who didn’t deserve it.

In 2011, I moved my 12-year-old’s dad into my first apartment— this was before we had our child. As time went on, life pulled me back home for extra support. Then in 2017, I moved out again, and shortly after, my 7-year-old’s dad moved in with me. That didn't end well but pressure makes diamonds, yeah?  Two years later, in 2019, the man who helped pull me out of survival mode became my lover and roommate for five years. Each move told a story, and each chapter developed my insight into love, partnership, and independence.

When I started that five-year relationship, we both agreed on a “Living Apart Together” (LAT) dynamic—a growing trend where couples are in a committed relationship but live separately. Statistics say that about 10% of couples successfully practice LAT, but living together had its conveniences—less planning to see each other, shared responsibilities (though I have new thoughts on this), and, most of all, splitting the financial load. So we settled.

When it was time for this relationship to end, I felt relieved and excited that he agreed to be the one to move out! Not only had I manifested this, but I had a countdown to when he moved out because I knew it meant getting back to me, and I am a GOOD TIME, BABY! But I was also scared.

The Journey to True Solitude

At first, the mental processing was bumpy. Halfway through that relationship, I had a euphoric realization:

👉🏾 I was no longer in survival mode.

I settled into that realization, but it truly hit me once he moved out. That was the real test.

I still had romantic prospects along the way, and with my kids living with me full-time, I was navigating life as a solo parent, learning what it really meant to stand on my own.

This solitude bred confidence. Everything in my life felt magical. Every time I thought I needed something, I already had it. I was living in the middle of my manifestations, and they just kept coming. 

I watched shows that helped me define my personal mission statement and business plan. I played with paint, crafted, went to museums and rooftops, studied, worked hard, got closer to my kids, danced (but of course), and designed my life:

Surprisingly, chores became easier—not because the physical workload changed, but because I didn’t have to coordinate with anyone. My mental load was lighter. I didn’t have to cook as much (though, luckily, I later found a man who loves cooking). It felt like a huge blockage was finally lifted and my fear quickly softened into pleasure!

📖 Read my pleasure blog here: Janelle Monáe, CarolinaDaze, & My Own Age of Pleasure

Falling in Love While Loving My Solitude

Later in the year, I met the love of my life and future husband. Well, technically, we had known each other for five years, but we finally connected.

 From the start, we wanted to spend all our time together.

💛 We laughed, roasted each other, talked sh*t like best friends, supported each other like family, held each other like lovers, and collaborated like business partners. The stars had aligned.

As much as I loved my solitude, I also wanted to be completely swept up in love again. But being swept up meant losing myself—and that could never happen again. I had to realize that I had done the work already so  losing myself was impossible—I had written down words that defined the love I wanted:

focused, evolutionary, protective, transcendent, healing, restful, cherished, intentional, attentive, passionate, articulate, reverent, spiritual, creative.

Then I wrote a love story based on my desires, created detailed petitions, recorded myself reading my love story, and listened to it every night. This gave me the reassurance I needed that I was safe to grow in love.

This full year of solitude confirmed that yep, I do indeed need copious amounts of solitude, mmhmm. But now that that was confirmed, I had to find a way to explain that to my man, our children, and our loved ones. 

It was conflicting though, because while I wanted to be completely immersed in his love I also felt compelled to protect my solitude. We had to navigate this paradox by talking, processing separately, observing, talking again, and repeating the cycle-- and a lot of the time, all in one sitting! Once we felt that we were on the same page, we collaborated to draft a schedule that felt good for us. 

Since he was at my place three times a week, he needed essentials there. When he asked if he could keep a toothbrush there, my breathing changed and baby, I felt that in my chest! It created feelings of resistance in my body—it made my space feel less mine.

 He gave me a key to his place, but I wasn’t ready to reciprocate without a deeper conversation about what I was feeling. We observed every feeling of unease together without judgment. Can we take a moment to honor the courage it took to advocate for myself despite the uncertainty? And while we're at it, let’s give him his props for observing, processing, and responding with curiosity—even when his own feelings were in the mix.

Let's call this next part: The Symbolic Key to Our Future

Through this challenge of communication and deliberation, I found a creative way to give him a key that also felt good for me: I planned a weekend-themed date around our affirmation: "We honor the pieces so we can cherish the whole."

• We took a spiritual bath with this intention and placed some of the water on our love altar.

• We discussed how our affirmation played out in real-time.

• I gave him the key to my humble abode accompanied by a half-heart keychain, while I kept the other half, symbolizing that while we are a unit, separate pieces create the whole

• I brought a fun dessert activity since he loves cookies—again emphasizing taking an individual piece and decorating it to make it "whole."

• Once the intention was set, everything done moving forward was with purpose.

We do plan to move in together, though. This gradual process has shown me that we have compatible living habits, and integrating solitude into our shared space will be tricky but necessary. We’re playing with these ideas:

• A separate space (like a cutesy backyard studio lounge with dance mirrors, a vanity, a sleeper sofa—NOT a she-shed, because how uncool yah? lol).

• Quarterly staycations in Airbnbs or hotels.

• His & Hers retreats (he gets to have a man cave too!).

This entire journey has been fun, even the hard parts—and man, that’s how it should be.

Which brings me to The Love Slide Analogy

If I had to describe the way this ongoing conversation of balancing solitude with quality time has felt for me, I would say it feels like being a kid who LOVES the slide at the playground:

• Racing up the stairs with excitement, applying pressure, it may burn a little bit but you don't care because you know what's at the top!

• When the slide finally reveals itself your eyes light up as you dive onto the slide arms up, mouth open, heart full, adrenaline pumping and you enjoy the product of your hard (heart) work.

• The slide down is thrilling, and a little suspenseful, but always worth it!

• And we do it all over again, and again, and again!

Okay okay, one more slide analogy—idk about y’all, but I used to get a little uhh nervous if the slide was closed in and slightly longer than expected. Or if you’ve ever experienced the old-school metal slides that used to burn you on a hot day

—lol, yep, yeppp. —scary, right? lol

but I never stopped sliding and you shouldn’t either!

*photographed by my honey 

Let’s break this love slide thing down: being in love means being in surrender—arms up, mouth open, heart full.

Mouth open? That means you gotta be a certified yapper. Talk until you're both empty, then talk some more. And when you're tired of talking about it? Guess what? You gotta do it again. Communication and comprehension are key—how do they process things? What do words mean to them? How do they hear you? You gotta talk about all of that too. MOUTH OPEENNN.

Arms up symbolizes peace & surrender.

Heart full? That means that your heart should be lighter than a feather. We’re not carrying guilt, shame, disappointment, or nitpicking over tone and wording. Why? Because that weighs our hearts down. Everything is spoken from a place of purity & love—first for ourselves, then for each other. The rest will work itself out.

And the slide? That’s the flow. Love feels like a slide—the kind you keep running back to at the playground. The love slide: intimate remedies, movement, release.

In this relationship, the slide I want to reference is our approach to challenges. We figure sh*t out together. Every hurdle is another chance to hold hands, take a deep breath, and slide down together. That’s what keeps it fun, spicy, and just a little suspenseful. 😉

Final Thoughts (whew we made it 😅)

This year of solo living reminded me that I thrive in my own space, but I also love being deeply in love. I finally achieved something I once only dreamed of—Living Apart Together—a relationship dynamic that allows love to grow without losing yourself.

It took courage to advocate for my needs, patience to communicate them and trust to navigate the unknown. I can now say that I am eager and excited to move in with my honey as we pursue buying our first home together. 

Sharing my love life openly is rooted in collective heart space healing. I know how much it helps others who are craving the same balance—deep connection without sacrifice.

✨ If that’s you, let’s talk. Call or Text to Book a session, and let’s build a love that honors both freedom and intimacy. 

📲984-212-2604

At the end of the day, the work is always the same—to keep my heart light as a feather and my love full of light. 💛📢 #JourneyToTheRing